Over the past two days I've been doing something terrible to myself.   I've been tormenting myself.  I've been doing something that isn't exactly wrong but it feels underhanded and thanks to the constant feeling of not being good enough it's literally driven me to drink.  For some reason yesterday I started reading my girlfriends blog from the very beginning.  Sounds innocent enough.  Except for I made a point of it not to let her know I was doing.  And for good reason. I for some reason I don't feel that I can compete with her past.  This blog was supposed to be about how sad I am and how I still don't feel like I can compete.  But honestly when I got to the 2/23/08 and 2/24/08 blogs I started crying just like the first time I read them.  No one has ever said things to or about me like that.  I praise her for having a wonderful way with the written word and after reading every entry over the past 3 years I realize that she used her gift of writing to write about me.  When I first started reading the entries I honestly was thinking about calling it quits.  I hate to admit it but it was a thought floating around in my head.  But the more I read the more I realized how crazy I am about her and how incredible she is.  Her heart is absolutely marvelous it's enormous and free.  I'll never forget how I used to walk form my car to my house looking at the sun comparing her to it.  She had such a sad story to tell but it was such a beautiful tragic story I couldn't help comparing her to a setting sun.  But when it wasn't a sad story it was her being her I was going through the hardest time of my life emotionally and I was in a dark place and from the moment we started talking again she was the sun burning away the rain clouds and showing me blue skies.  She honestly made me believe in something I swore was a stupid fairy tale feeling; love at first sight,  Id never admit that until now but the first time I saw her with my own eyes I'll never forget how she smiled and moved.  How she'd dance to every song on the radio even if she hadn't heard it.  I love the smallest and  most random things about her.  Something about today when she was in court in front of the judge made me smile uncontrollably.  Maybe it was how perfect she looked in her clothes or maybe it was all 4' 11" of her standing there in front of everyone in court.   I can honestly say I love her.  All of her.  From her gorgeous head of hair to the cute little gap in her teeth I've never pointed out until now.  I love her perfect green eyes and the way they look at me because I just about tower over her.  I've done a lot of bad things to people in my life and since September I've been trying to make up for it waiting for something good to happen.  I can honestly say she is the good thing I've been waiting for and she is way more than I deserve. 

I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.  Wether it's immaturity, jealousy, insecurity, or pride.  Or some combination of the four.  I've tried to will myself out of over thinking and I've prayed that it'd just go away.  That never works and I just end up angry and frustrated at myself.  Honestly it's getting worse everyday.  And I have no idea what to do about it.